you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
