The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!