u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.