In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...