...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
