the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
