It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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