I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
