Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
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It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
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The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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