i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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