so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
