Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
