She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
