I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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