and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
