1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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