I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
