Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
