she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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