I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
