Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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