Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
