he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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