Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
