He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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