Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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