it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
