So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
