I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
