Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
