she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
