my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
