I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
