I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
barbara walters just said penis...
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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