they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
