So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
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What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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