soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
