Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
love makes seman taste better
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
