I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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