oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
