peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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