I love black thongs
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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