Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
