the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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