Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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