well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
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I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
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I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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