i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I am mentally ready for anal.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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