I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
