Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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