i think my tv is drunk
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
