I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
