Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
my liver is dry heaving
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
