I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
