i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
