I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
