I just saw a hot homeless man
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
